A loss

The heart I have makes this job that much more difficult.

My residents have challenges and disabilities. But they do not have chronic conditions & are usually quite healthy.

I have deleted so many thoughts in forming this: one of our residents died today. He did not "pass" or "move on" he died. My heart breaks for his family -no matter how much notice you have, this burns deep inside. My heart breaks for his housemates -expressing death to my sweet friends is something I'll never 'have down'. And my hearts breaks for our organization as a whole -this is a major loss.

Loving the way I do, is why I am so good at my job. Its the way that I can stay calm when I want to scream. Its the way I can love residents who drool or scream out. I love each of them with my heart and with my soul. And why my heart breaks.

My deepest thoughts and prayers for the hurt in our home.

a few quiet thoughts for a Friday evening

Its gets to a point where you think, forget it all. Live. Love. And worry about nothing else. Somedays there is nothing but sadness in this field. I just want to scream. But instead, I just love. I love each of them more. I hug them harder. I laugh more than I need to. Because someday, Ill look back on these memories and be grateful I made the choices that I made.

The problem is, these ideas bleed into my life outside of work. And I, again, want to scream. Nothing matters. None of it. Just smile. Love. And live. Laugh more. If nothing else, because it feels good. Some of my residents smile day after day. Without reason, but simply because their world says they should. Because their world says they can. And really, because their world knows nothing else.

Everyday, and I mean EVERYDAY (several times a day), one of my residents asks "How are you?" Often there is not much to this. Often it is just part of her repetitious life and often without thought or feeling. But sometimes, given an answer out of the ordinary, she'll react. Today, when she asked a co-worker and the co-worker replied "Actually, I'm not doing very good. I had a bad day." The resident seemed shocked. After several questions later it came to my realization, she doesn't know bad days. She doesn't know traffic jams, bad meetings, or heart break. There's more to this though. Does she appreciate things I love, less? She will never know the success of a great meeting or know the passion after a first date. Give and Take I suppose.

But what could I take from here? To live everyday happy? Without regard to anything else? Does that mean I am less committed elsewhere? Does that mean I won't let your feelings burn? Perhaps there is a lack of growth in that. But her smile, her smile is contagious. Her laugh leaves prints on my heart. What I know right now is, that I don't have regrets. Never have. And won't start now. And yet, there is a thing in me. There is something in me yearning for more. Wishing for a better understanding, without question. Hoping that more, will allow me to be okay with less. Now, I just feel like, its me. Which I guess is exactly what you said. Difficult to swallow. I guess my sweet friend will never know that rejection, but in turn, doesn't know to yearn for a first kiss. Give and Take.

No delete today. Just being honest. It's just me anyway.

urgent prayers

A friend at work is in desperate need of prayers at this time:

Her nephew fell out of a 2nd story window two nights ago. He was airlifted out to the Loyola ICU. He has suffered severe brain damage, which maybe permanent. Dear Lord, Hear my prayers. Heavenly Father, I pray for Ashley and for her family. Lord I pray that you will be heavy on their hearts. That you will help answer questions that may lie ahead. Lord I pray for wisdom for all doctors that will lay hands on Ashley's nephew. Lord I pray for strength for her nephew and for healing. Lord I pray that he feels no pain and that you hold him close to you Lord. Lord I pray for this small child who barely has seen the world. I pray for healing for this sweet boy.

Lord I lift Ashley and her family to you. That Lord you can offer healing, guidance, love, and Lord that you can bring them hope. Lord may our faith rest in you.

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.
Hans Christian Andersen

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

A thoughtful friend

The healthiest response to life is joy.
Deepak Chopra

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
Mother Teresa

Sometimes I go through this phase where I don't want to miss a thing. Take life by storm. Smell the roses. Run the beaches. Because sometimes tomorrow or later isn't enough.

superpower

Today at work I got to thinking: What would my superpower be? I went into work hours early, left hours late, and continue to work here at home -so I was thinking the ability to slow down time, but continue at my own pace. This thought struck me as hilarious. There are millions around the world wishing their work days away, but the reality is, sometimes my days go too fast.

I have heaps and heaps to do that are my own responsibilities, throw in a few tasks that are others, mix in the fact that I work with some good friends, and the pleasure that I work with some very delightful children and my day is gone. I am so blessed to be able to walk out of my office at any point in my day and finger paint with a little boy. That in the middle of a awful afternoon I can take a sweet girl out for dessert. I get to spend my Friday nights with some of the most delightful humans in the world.

I've been at Mis nearly a year now. Some how, by some miracle, I am no where near burn out. I have been told countless times, since I started, that many thought thats where I was headed. Tomorrow is my day off. But the kids are on spring break, so I'll take them to lunch. Because I am blessed to have them in my life.

I don't know what my superpower would be -but I think I'll take cues from them.

Didn't have to use the delete button today :)

Love.

As I went through a typical Monday (which seems to be extra chaotic at this job due to having a 7 day work week. By the time I return after a weekend off, things have not stopped and I always feel like I have a heap to catch up on) with this feeling of genuine love for my days. For whatever reason, every time I turned around something else was going hay wire at work and yet, I found something endearing about these moments. This is not typical. I work in what many call a 'thankless' field. Some days are simply draining. Physically and emotionally, even. But I have been wrestling with the idea of finding Thank You's when I am least expecting. Perhaps, Thank You's don't look the way we expect.

-While a resident was having an awful behavior, she came to curl up in my lap. Although most of the time I was thinking 'please don't pee on me... again.' The reality was that as her world was crushing her, she felt safe in my lap. "Thank you."

-As I came in this morning I found that something had gone wrong with one of my residents. This is something that falls on me. No matter the fact that I had told people a hundred times or more about this. There was a list of questions I had to answer to my boss. I had them all. Done correctly. "Thank you."

-A resident, who is non-verbal, was whining for attention. When I went over to chat with this resident he began to smile. And giggle even. "Thank you"

-One of my little friends is only soothed by Barney. I had an extra in my secret stash of calming devices... just in time before a major meltdown (which often leads to seizures). "Thank you."

My job makes me smile and makes me laugh more than I could have ever imagined. I am so blessed. And the picture my cousin drew me to make me feel at home, is sweet.

I didnt have to use delete today.

Technology

I have a continued love and hate relationship with technology. Most of college I left my cell phone off, which killed my friends and sometimes my social life -but often made my relationship with those around me much more sound. Much more full. And present.

In Bolivia, technology was so far and in between for me. I lived for emails from home, yet I thrived on not having a cell phone. There were days I could not be reached, which allowed me for silence -a rarity today.

And now I continue to despise facebook and the lack of relational quality there. Yet people are so attached. Heartwrenching really. But what is this? I haven't used this outlet in years, I firmly know that no one checks my thoughts any more. Something else in my life that is not since Bolivia. I have quite a few journals. With literal blood, sweat, and tears -I write best after a few hours of running (I prefer physical running although lately it is my mind running all night). I would never dream of allowing someone to crack one open. The idea is that in 60 years, I would grab a few entries and think about writing in a more serious light. Later. Much later. And yet, I write here, heart on my sleeve, with the idea that no one knows -but why. Sometimes I am a walking contradiction. I bet those around me fine it too much. I think its indearing :)

The potential that someone could stumble here? Someone who? I imagine this person to be a stranger. Yet my name and contact information is here. hmm.

I used the delete button six times.

Time for a run. Sunrise runs are the best way to start the week.

an individual journey

I'm better. By no means good, but better. But I think I'll always think that about myself. I am my own worst critic. My own worst enemy. My journey will never have an end. My determination, my hard headedness, my pursuit -it's what got me here. And yet, what gets me out. I am strongwilled. In all of its beauty. And all of its downfall. It's how I ran a marathon. How a lived a year without what I thought were the best parts of my life.

It's how I was in an "abusive" relationship for months on end.

I stayed too long. It cut me. And broke me. But I have faith in something more. And I had faith in something more. Yet, no one can relate. No one. To each his own. Different pains, different loss'. Different joy. Different happiness. Or even contentment.

I pushed. Then and now. Tonight I pushed. And he pushed back. In a good way. In the way that I have needed. I like to be challenged. I like for my mind to run as hard as my legs. And its fair to say that you don't know what that invokes in me. A ridiculous trust. I say ridiculous for two reasons: 1) You haven't honestly earned it. It's solely the fact that you have not lost it. I give it too easy. 2) And take it away much easier.

If I open, you don't get to shut down. It's all I have in me right now, to not text you that. Silly, I know. But really. I offered part of myself. I tried opening. And you shut me out. And worse yet shut me down.

The sucky thing about online journaling: delete buttons. In my journal, they are always there. But here: I can sensor. I can edit. New goal: no delete button.

Reality: you are right. Nearly every time. But let me choose. This is my journey. My todays. And today: I have a brilliant smile. I have fought for that for months.

Clear blue skies.

And I feel better already. Thoughts of change and struggle seem encouraging today. Prospects of my future seem to make me smile. This week was not simple.

But now it is over. My today is here.

:)

broken

It burns.

And Yet I will rejoice in the pain. Pain, for me and for right now, is the realization of growth. I'm terrified of it all.

Tonight was delightful. I came home and lost it. I wonder what it was like to go a day without tears. That burns too.

I want to set a deadline. "You will feel better by Sunday. By May 1st. By 2012" yet I know I shouldn't. I can't. Let my mind rest. Seek faith in God and know that He is holding me and my heart, no matter how broken it all feels.

Faith is burning. And Ive never felt that.

Growth.

A little bit stronger

It's a song by Sara Evans. It's real cheesy. Over the top. But it's right where I am. Too scared to write. Too scared not to. And so far from either. There are a million thoughts going through my head at any given moment, so maybe if I throw some down on paper (or screen...) I can disengage. Or sleep.

The last time I wrote, here anyway, was when I just arrived back. So much has changed and yet, so much has stayed the same. But I feel not in all the right ways. I think of Bolivia daily. Strike that, Bolivia comes into my mind like a ton of bricks daily. It's crazy how long I have been home and how heavy that country still lies on my heart. The time I spent there was incredible. Life changing. But I must take it for that. Allow Bolivia to shape who I am, but not restrict who I am. I am here in Chicago now, doing wonderful things and I need to embrace that for all its worth. Okay, will do.

It didnt work out with him. Own that. Know that. Be grateful for lessons learned. Yet all I can focus on is things lost. Trust. Health. Relationships. It will all be over Saturday. A new chapter. A fresh start. Dive in. "Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger..." Its not in the loss of my relationship with him. Its so far beyond that. Its that I feel I failed. The one thing I can do is people. I can relate to people. I understand people. And some how, something has gone so horribly wrong here. St. Patricks Day was the final straw.

I did my first (and second) Marathon since I last wrote. Check that bad boy off the bucket list. It was truly one of the greatest moments of my life --crossing that finish line. The race burned in all the right ways. I need that again.

Something to shock me back to remembering what I stand for. Who I am.

Things I find important right now:

-Organization. I hate moving. I hate the cachos of it all. But this allows me to cope and embrace change.

-My family.

-Wine -in moderation.

-Work. It's why I get out of bed.

-Running. Clear my head. Open my heart.

Sleep. I need sleep.

2009

By this point, many of you know that I am home. If not: surprise! :) I am home and living in Chicago with a dear family that I nanny for. I surprised my family two weeks ago and showed up at our family Christmas party. It was joyous. My family was beautiful and incredibly supportive of all of the changes. As much as things have changed, many things have not and that includes my family and my love for them. It has been wonderful to catch back up.

Yet, difficult. Terribly difficult in fact. And so, if I may, take a minute to thank my family and my friends for their support. There have tears and fears from the day I landed in Chicago and they have been patient and understanding. They have understood that they pain of leaving Bolivia does not mean that I am regretting being back or that I wish I was with my Bolivian family over this family, just that I cannot compare my lives. Bolivia is irreplacable in my life. And they have not tried to fill that hole. Thank you.

Change is good. Change is inspiring. Change is encouraging. Evo represented change in Bolivia. And Obama here in the States. Change seems to be the basis of this next year. Not simple, difficult. But I'm ready. Ready to struggle for the greater good of myself and of those around me. Ready to struggle to be better and to fight for more. Not easy. But that's exciting.

Yes I spoke in Spanish when I landed. And cry everytime I recieve an email from a student, but its more than that. Bolivia and I were in a relationship. I felt as if I was having a love affair with Bolivia. As much as I love Chicago -long term, commitment sort of love. But Bolivia was a different passion. And so here, I mourn that loss. But celebrate in the time I had. Celebrate knowing that Bolivia and I will be together again.

I am catching up on the lives of my friends and family. Slowly eating and fighting a few last parasites. I am enjoying the snow, but shivering heaps. I speak in Spanish and Australian as much as possible. And I hug my family as much as I can. Because I know that in Bolivia I missed that. I certainly missed that.

Gram says that "Home is where your heart is." I am grateful to have two homes. Two places that welcome me with love, joy, and embrace me as their own.

7 Months Together

The most interesting thing this month has been the approaching holidays. Whenever I talk to home I hear stories of ice skating, sledding, and Christmas shopping. And a few weeks into December I expect nothing less. However, here things are looking very different.

Christmas carols I know and love are not overly played in stores, if played at all. Many of our songs in the US an in North America are about snow. It is summer here folks. We didn't have snow in the dead of 'winter' when I arrived, we certainly don't have snow now. I encourage you to search through songs and listen for the amount of cultural cues. That is what I have been raised on. Without snow, I don't feel like Christmas is coming.

It feels like 4th of July is heading up quick. But then I walk through that Prado to look at Christmas lights. No icicle lights or snow flakes. Simply stars and Christmas trees. Very weird.

However, being a missionary. The lack of snow and holiday cheer has brought be back to reality of what Christmas is all about for Christians. A tiny baby, wrapped in clothe, who lay in a manger. And for that --- I am grateful.

Touch some snow today. And think of me :)

3 Earth Quakes and my 2nd sleepless night

So heres the thing:
I am from Chicago. We do fire drills and we do tornando drills.

I remember my senior year in high school making fun of Nicki for saying she felt an earth quake in Island Lake. (Which there was one, but it was TINY!)

And so last night when I woke up to the first quake I thought I was dreaming. But the 2nd one shortly followed and I was nearly laughing at how ironic the situation was. I had NO IDEA what to do. Stay int he house? Leave the house? Bathroom? I live on the 2nd floor I did want to fall to the ground. But I was listening for Joann under me because I didnt want my apartment to fall into hers. Oh goodness.

Don't worry, everyone I know and love is perfectly safe. And I have been given instructions as to what to do.

The realization that Sunday morning is still Saturday night for many

Recently I have really taken a liking to early morning runs. The sun is not to hot yet. The city is beginning to grumble. And I find myself up and at 'em early any way, why not take advantage of the fact that I am able to enjoy this time alone. I'm usually alone.

Monday through Friday mornings are quite uneventful. As I pass by the bars on the plaza I find the aroma of stale beer and cigarettes still in the air. Generally, this stikes a whole thought process for me about the tasks that still lie ahead for missionaries in this city. Which only seems to be the beginning. Eryn-May came with me this morning as I ran down the plaza toward the prado. We passed the bars as we usually do, only two stumble upon three men.

Now, don't worry, they were passed out drunk. And harmless. This is a new concept to me. Never in the city of Chicago would police allow men to passout outside a bar near the middle of the street. In fact, I find myself thinking that this action is likley illegal. My first thought CPR, Rescue breathing, and are they alive? The smell of beer quickly overwhelms me and I realize they are simply napping after a long evening.

Not quite sure why, but hours later, these men lay heavy on my heart. Several things come to mind. Where are their friends and family? Are they worried? Will they be okay? Will someone less kind come across their path? And goodness, what can we do?

Right now, I ask for prayer. Prayer for my heart and mind as I continue to digest things like this day in and day out. Prayer for these three men. That they are safe, find a warm meal this morning/afternoon, and that the Lord would move in the hearts and souls upon waking up in the street. And prayer for this city. May missionaries continue to feel called to be here and may the Lord continue to use imperfect servants to reach imperfect souls perfectly.

Paper Mache gets a wee bit messy.

Darina is in 6th grade and she makes me laugh. Usually very hard.

Rhadassa is in 3rd grade and speaks three languages.

Benji and Pablo love working together. They are in 2nd grade.

Third grade having a ball.

What was this teacher thinking?!

With each of my classes this week we did paper mache. Although it was a bit messy, the children had a ball. I think its good for them to get a bit messy, to be creative, and to love doing it.

Sometimes I think I was born to do this.

Día del acción de gracias

My plate. Well, the first one.

Jenny needed to hold herself up after a great meal.

Me, Julie, and Jenny. We played sand volley ball, went swimming, and wore tank tops. Its hot in this country.

The Vargas'. Our hosts.

Eating.

Thanksgiving!


Spending my first 'major holiday', as the mission field calls it, away from home was a bit tricky for me. I woke up feeling much more homesick than I imagined. Yet by dinner time with close friends, I felt more embraced than I imagined. There are a number of North American families here, but also a number of international families that have adopted this fun tradition of being Thankful.

We had great food and great fun with so many people.

What a blessing it was to be able to talk to a lot of my family that evening. It was wonderful to hear my little cousins growing up so quickly and so interested in this work that their cousin is doing. Very fun to hear that they look here at my blog and enjoy photos I send. It is always a joy to hear from my grandparents and of their life. And of course to my Aunt's and Uncle's who have very much kept me as strong here as I would have liked.

In morning devotionals I had everyone go around the room and say something they were thankful for. I am thankful that I am missed and that I have some people to miss. What a joy that is.

Prayer for a dear friend

I would like to ask for prayer for my friend Virginia. A few weeks ago, her grandfather became unexpectantly ill. This weekend he passed away.

Having a loss at home for a young woman who is very close with her family, would be a struggle, but having to stay here is that much more difficult. May you pray for her family, for her mother in her loss of her father, and for Virginia herself. May the Lord guide her these next weeks as she struggles through this loss at a distance from her family.

I cannot imagine, nor would I chose to, to know the pain of dealing with loss from here. As these are our first years away from home, this is a young woman´s biggest fear. May God give her strength that she does not even realize. And courage to push on.

Thank you for your continued prayers for this community.

Enjoy some photos from Vacation!

I have a million and one photos from vacation but here are a few to get you started. It was beautiful, amazing, and an incredible experience without water or electricity. Good thing I have such a great friends.

In the caves.

Yikes, it was windy!

Hotel made of salt!