It's a song by Sara Evans. It's real cheesy. Over the top. But it's right where I am. Too scared to write. Too scared not to. And so far from either. There are a million thoughts going through my head at any given moment, so maybe if I throw some down on paper (or screen...) I can disengage. Or sleep.
The last time I wrote, here anyway, was when I just arrived back. So much has changed and yet, so much has stayed the same. But I feel not in all the right ways. I think of Bolivia daily. Strike that, Bolivia comes into my mind like a ton of bricks daily. It's crazy how long I have been home and how heavy that country still lies on my heart. The time I spent there was incredible. Life changing. But I must take it for that. Allow Bolivia to shape who I am, but not restrict who I am. I am here in Chicago now, doing wonderful things and I need to embrace that for all its worth. Okay, will do.
It didnt work out with him. Own that. Know that. Be grateful for lessons learned. Yet all I can focus on is things lost. Trust. Health. Relationships. It will all be over Saturday. A new chapter. A fresh start. Dive in. "Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger..." Its not in the loss of my relationship with him. Its so far beyond that. Its that I feel I failed. The one thing I can do is people. I can relate to people. I understand people. And some how, something has gone so horribly wrong here. St. Patricks Day was the final straw.
I did my first (and second) Marathon since I last wrote. Check that bad boy off the bucket list. It was truly one of the greatest moments of my life --crossing that finish line. The race burned in all the right ways. I need that again.
Something to shock me back to remembering what I stand for. Who I am.
Things I find important right now:
-Organization. I hate moving. I hate the cachos of it all. But this allows me to cope and embrace change.
-My family.
-Wine -in moderation.
-Work. It's why I get out of bed.
-Running. Clear my head. Open my heart.
Sleep. I need sleep.
