A loss

The heart I have makes this job that much more difficult.

My residents have challenges and disabilities. But they do not have chronic conditions & are usually quite healthy.

I have deleted so many thoughts in forming this: one of our residents died today. He did not "pass" or "move on" he died. My heart breaks for his family -no matter how much notice you have, this burns deep inside. My heart breaks for his housemates -expressing death to my sweet friends is something I'll never 'have down'. And my hearts breaks for our organization as a whole -this is a major loss.

Loving the way I do, is why I am so good at my job. Its the way that I can stay calm when I want to scream. Its the way I can love residents who drool or scream out. I love each of them with my heart and with my soul. And why my heart breaks.

My deepest thoughts and prayers for the hurt in our home.

a few quiet thoughts for a Friday evening

Its gets to a point where you think, forget it all. Live. Love. And worry about nothing else. Somedays there is nothing but sadness in this field. I just want to scream. But instead, I just love. I love each of them more. I hug them harder. I laugh more than I need to. Because someday, Ill look back on these memories and be grateful I made the choices that I made.

The problem is, these ideas bleed into my life outside of work. And I, again, want to scream. Nothing matters. None of it. Just smile. Love. And live. Laugh more. If nothing else, because it feels good. Some of my residents smile day after day. Without reason, but simply because their world says they should. Because their world says they can. And really, because their world knows nothing else.

Everyday, and I mean EVERYDAY (several times a day), one of my residents asks "How are you?" Often there is not much to this. Often it is just part of her repetitious life and often without thought or feeling. But sometimes, given an answer out of the ordinary, she'll react. Today, when she asked a co-worker and the co-worker replied "Actually, I'm not doing very good. I had a bad day." The resident seemed shocked. After several questions later it came to my realization, she doesn't know bad days. She doesn't know traffic jams, bad meetings, or heart break. There's more to this though. Does she appreciate things I love, less? She will never know the success of a great meeting or know the passion after a first date. Give and Take I suppose.

But what could I take from here? To live everyday happy? Without regard to anything else? Does that mean I am less committed elsewhere? Does that mean I won't let your feelings burn? Perhaps there is a lack of growth in that. But her smile, her smile is contagious. Her laugh leaves prints on my heart. What I know right now is, that I don't have regrets. Never have. And won't start now. And yet, there is a thing in me. There is something in me yearning for more. Wishing for a better understanding, without question. Hoping that more, will allow me to be okay with less. Now, I just feel like, its me. Which I guess is exactly what you said. Difficult to swallow. I guess my sweet friend will never know that rejection, but in turn, doesn't know to yearn for a first kiss. Give and Take.

No delete today. Just being honest. It's just me anyway.

urgent prayers

A friend at work is in desperate need of prayers at this time:

Her nephew fell out of a 2nd story window two nights ago. He was airlifted out to the Loyola ICU. He has suffered severe brain damage, which maybe permanent. Dear Lord, Hear my prayers. Heavenly Father, I pray for Ashley and for her family. Lord I pray that you will be heavy on their hearts. That you will help answer questions that may lie ahead. Lord I pray for wisdom for all doctors that will lay hands on Ashley's nephew. Lord I pray for strength for her nephew and for healing. Lord I pray that he feels no pain and that you hold him close to you Lord. Lord I pray for this small child who barely has seen the world. I pray for healing for this sweet boy.

Lord I lift Ashley and her family to you. That Lord you can offer healing, guidance, love, and Lord that you can bring them hope. Lord may our faith rest in you.

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.
Hans Christian Andersen

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

A thoughtful friend

The healthiest response to life is joy.
Deepak Chopra

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
Mother Teresa

Sometimes I go through this phase where I don't want to miss a thing. Take life by storm. Smell the roses. Run the beaches. Because sometimes tomorrow or later isn't enough.

superpower

Today at work I got to thinking: What would my superpower be? I went into work hours early, left hours late, and continue to work here at home -so I was thinking the ability to slow down time, but continue at my own pace. This thought struck me as hilarious. There are millions around the world wishing their work days away, but the reality is, sometimes my days go too fast.

I have heaps and heaps to do that are my own responsibilities, throw in a few tasks that are others, mix in the fact that I work with some good friends, and the pleasure that I work with some very delightful children and my day is gone. I am so blessed to be able to walk out of my office at any point in my day and finger paint with a little boy. That in the middle of a awful afternoon I can take a sweet girl out for dessert. I get to spend my Friday nights with some of the most delightful humans in the world.

I've been at Mis nearly a year now. Some how, by some miracle, I am no where near burn out. I have been told countless times, since I started, that many thought thats where I was headed. Tomorrow is my day off. But the kids are on spring break, so I'll take them to lunch. Because I am blessed to have them in my life.

I don't know what my superpower would be -but I think I'll take cues from them.

Didn't have to use the delete button today :)

Love.

As I went through a typical Monday (which seems to be extra chaotic at this job due to having a 7 day work week. By the time I return after a weekend off, things have not stopped and I always feel like I have a heap to catch up on) with this feeling of genuine love for my days. For whatever reason, every time I turned around something else was going hay wire at work and yet, I found something endearing about these moments. This is not typical. I work in what many call a 'thankless' field. Some days are simply draining. Physically and emotionally, even. But I have been wrestling with the idea of finding Thank You's when I am least expecting. Perhaps, Thank You's don't look the way we expect.

-While a resident was having an awful behavior, she came to curl up in my lap. Although most of the time I was thinking 'please don't pee on me... again.' The reality was that as her world was crushing her, she felt safe in my lap. "Thank you."

-As I came in this morning I found that something had gone wrong with one of my residents. This is something that falls on me. No matter the fact that I had told people a hundred times or more about this. There was a list of questions I had to answer to my boss. I had them all. Done correctly. "Thank you."

-A resident, who is non-verbal, was whining for attention. When I went over to chat with this resident he began to smile. And giggle even. "Thank you"

-One of my little friends is only soothed by Barney. I had an extra in my secret stash of calming devices... just in time before a major meltdown (which often leads to seizures). "Thank you."

My job makes me smile and makes me laugh more than I could have ever imagined. I am so blessed. And the picture my cousin drew me to make me feel at home, is sweet.

I didnt have to use delete today.

Technology

I have a continued love and hate relationship with technology. Most of college I left my cell phone off, which killed my friends and sometimes my social life -but often made my relationship with those around me much more sound. Much more full. And present.

In Bolivia, technology was so far and in between for me. I lived for emails from home, yet I thrived on not having a cell phone. There were days I could not be reached, which allowed me for silence -a rarity today.

And now I continue to despise facebook and the lack of relational quality there. Yet people are so attached. Heartwrenching really. But what is this? I haven't used this outlet in years, I firmly know that no one checks my thoughts any more. Something else in my life that is not since Bolivia. I have quite a few journals. With literal blood, sweat, and tears -I write best after a few hours of running (I prefer physical running although lately it is my mind running all night). I would never dream of allowing someone to crack one open. The idea is that in 60 years, I would grab a few entries and think about writing in a more serious light. Later. Much later. And yet, I write here, heart on my sleeve, with the idea that no one knows -but why. Sometimes I am a walking contradiction. I bet those around me fine it too much. I think its indearing :)

The potential that someone could stumble here? Someone who? I imagine this person to be a stranger. Yet my name and contact information is here. hmm.

I used the delete button six times.

Time for a run. Sunrise runs are the best way to start the week.