an individual journey

I'm better. By no means good, but better. But I think I'll always think that about myself. I am my own worst critic. My own worst enemy. My journey will never have an end. My determination, my hard headedness, my pursuit -it's what got me here. And yet, what gets me out. I am strongwilled. In all of its beauty. And all of its downfall. It's how I ran a marathon. How a lived a year without what I thought were the best parts of my life.

It's how I was in an "abusive" relationship for months on end.

I stayed too long. It cut me. And broke me. But I have faith in something more. And I had faith in something more. Yet, no one can relate. No one. To each his own. Different pains, different loss'. Different joy. Different happiness. Or even contentment.

I pushed. Then and now. Tonight I pushed. And he pushed back. In a good way. In the way that I have needed. I like to be challenged. I like for my mind to run as hard as my legs. And its fair to say that you don't know what that invokes in me. A ridiculous trust. I say ridiculous for two reasons: 1) You haven't honestly earned it. It's solely the fact that you have not lost it. I give it too easy. 2) And take it away much easier.

If I open, you don't get to shut down. It's all I have in me right now, to not text you that. Silly, I know. But really. I offered part of myself. I tried opening. And you shut me out. And worse yet shut me down.

The sucky thing about online journaling: delete buttons. In my journal, they are always there. But here: I can sensor. I can edit. New goal: no delete button.

Reality: you are right. Nearly every time. But let me choose. This is my journey. My todays. And today: I have a brilliant smile. I have fought for that for months.